journey of self re-discovery week #1

habits die hard, old habits especially.

went for dinner and placed my order as usual the other day, and when the food was served, i automatically halved my rice and wanted to pass it to the plate of the person sitting next to me, just to realize we're not eating together anymore.

walked to pyramid through canopy and i went right up to the next floor and walked into starbucks even though i wasn't carrying my books with me anymore, and i walked out without buying anything.

went shopping with friend yesterday, and when we stepped into the bag shop, my sight went straight to the big back pack hanging at the side. black, of course.

went chatime for chilling session with the wolves and i screened through the whole list of the menu, all the new additions or promotional items, and i ordered the same cup of roasted milk tea without fail.

went back to college time after time to sit down and chat cuz we kiamsiap and refuse to spend anymore in any of the shop in the mall. and i picked the same table over and over. and when i sit down, i pull my legs up and have my arms circle around them, automatically.

all these things that i been doing without even giving it a second thought, they were once new to me too. it was the days that we been through, the repeated scenes of us here and there with different background that gradually put them into my routines. and the effort needed to scrap them off again now, damn that's a huge project.

long journey to go to switch things back to the origin, but i guess i'm doing good for the moment, trying bits by bits. it's gonna be better, sooner or later. :)


the old leaves fall, but there will always be new leaves coming up for replacement.

there will always be. loves ♥

goodbye to the past

finally wrap up something that i been trying since months ago. such a relief. not gonna argue over it anymore. no more fights, no more cold wars, no more guessing, no nothing.

been almost a month since the fall. it doesn't hurt that much anymore compared to the first time it hit, but the pain still attack once in awhile, especially when i look at all the people graduating, talking bout works, their future plans and what not. that feeling sucks, when you supposed to be one of them. you lay in your bed, awake in the middle of the night, and you feel lost with no sense of belonging. so i turn my back and walk away.

"sometimes, you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been to stand back up taller than you ever were."

well said. so this gotta be a journey to rediscover myself, regain some confidence, some self ego, and i need to do it alone. back to basic, me, my books, and my life, and i gotta climb up again.


to those i love, those who loved me, those who were always by my side.

i can do it. loves.

arrogant is my second middle name

if you're wondering, my first middle name is MEAN, but that's not the point now.

i'm egoistic, and i don't say sorry most of the time, especially to another arrogant creature like you. those words become hard to speak when you're at the receiving end of the apology. i wanna congrats you for your success, i really do, but i don't know how to start.

it was a bad day itself, and when i found out about what you wanted to tell me before you had the chance to, that depression was beyond description. ohhh so that explained all the cold treatments you got when you contacted me in the night didn't it.

yupp, i pissed you off on purpose. you shouldn't be the one to blame, yet i showered you with my anger as i always did, taking you for granted that you never got mad no matter how hard i tried. guess you finally had enough of me. i lost my best friend on the night where i should be celebrating his success for him. boo-yah. i hit the wall in the end, much deserved i'll say.

so now i owe you an apology that i'll never say, and a congratulatory note that i'll never send. i'm selfish. i want you to remember me, even though this could be the worst possible way to do it.


"my life would be beautiful if you were by my side, because you have painted a smile in my heart that will last for a lifetime."

and you'll stay there, for a lifetime. no one could ever replace you.

we are young, we run free ;)

malacca with the girls, 2009





penang with the sac, 2011





i miss sunshine and beaches. the way we run, the way we had fun. heyy baby, another getaway? :))

Feb 29th, so what?

it is quite true what philosophy says: that life must be understood backwards. but then one forgets the other principle: that it must be lived forwards. -- Soren Kierkegard

4am in the dawn and i'm lying on my bed trying to recall what happened in the past one day, the oh-so-special Feb 29th that everyone's been talking about here and there.

it was early morning and i need to get out of bed for an appointment to the hospital, a place i hated most. that was meant for grandma's scheduled check up, blood testing and report etc and my job was to keep her companion. and things went bad.

i'm a healthy teen with my limbs well functioning (okay maybe not really) and yet i feel handicapped. there's no much help i can offer. i watched her shivers due to low blood sugar and coldness while taking blood sample and i can't do anything but to feel helpless. i recall the last time i visited the hospital with grandma for the same reason and how the doctor scolded me. i think he was right. i'm a bad bad bad grandchild.

holding grandma's hands while we were waiting for the report and her palms were cold. i observe the differences in our palms, and trying to remember the last time i hold'em. i was in despairs. i been avoiding the fact of how old grandma is getting. the symptoms of aging take in fast on her and i refuse to accept the reality that she's no longer healthy or she barely remember who i am.

came home from the hospital and i went straight to the bed to sleep it off. perhaps i was hoping to at least see the healthy version of grandma in dreams, i guess.

the tension of opposites

come home from the city after class and i fall right to my bed. weekly traveling of this kind almost kill me, and my weekend starts only when everyone else's is over.

studying again after this 2 months gap feels, fresh. maybe it's the class, maybe it's the lecturer, or maybe it's just, me. something changed, i knew it when it happened. there's no point holding on to the past. damages made can't be undone. let's move on and start filling up the new pages, shall we?

complicated stuff, yet it's just, life.

what would you do when you're feeling weak and sick? i feel like eating some ice cream now.

which i'm totally not allowed to. sadness.

sis betrayed me and went to see doctor yesterday, and she's on her daily dose of medicine now. traitor! now i'm left with no excuse but to let dad boils me the oh-so-yucky-sourish black medicine which i don't know what's inside. le sigh.

and no, stop mentioning bout how much i need to see the doctor. no likes okay! please just spare me from that. boo!